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The Red Alert Solution

By Steve Klinger

Leave it to the Democrats to bungle the easiest presidential election campaign since FDR took on Herbert Hoover in 1932. After two terms of the worst presidency in American history, a disastrously unpopular war and now an economy on the cusp of meltdown (pick your own gradient from recession to collapse), beating any Republican in November would seem to be a slam-dunk. But no, the Democrats created an amorphous category of superdelegates and managed to disenfranchise both Michigan and Florida for jumping the gun with early primaries.

Any close race was thus guaranteed to become a nightmare, and Hillary and Barack have obliged in a way even Hollywood could not have scripted better. The result: no clear winner after three dozen primaries and caucuses, the negative ads ratcheting up, and more bloodshed sure to come. Meanwhile, John McCain is licking his chops.

Last night, the little red phone inside my head went off at three a. m. with the best solution, so obvious you’d have to be Howard Dean not to think of it.

Forget Slick Willie. What we need is a co-presidency of Hillary and Barack. They can run as equals, with designated realms of authority. That way there is no further carnage or convention floor battle over who has to draw the short straw for the underticket billing. African Americans and all the young voters dreaming of a new paradigm will flock to Barack. Hillary will bring in most of the female votes and help the Dems take all the big states. The voter turnout will break all records, overwhelming the best-laid plans for GOP election fraud.

Once the two First Couples are done celebrating, we can allocate presidential responsibilities as follows: Barack will be head of state for purposes of meeting foreign leaders, giving all speeches, coordinating most domestic agencies and negotiating international treaties from economics (NAFTA) to climate change and nuclear disarmament. Hillary will be commander in chief, oversee health care reform and Homeland Security, run cabinet meetings and take on the Washington press corps. Michelle Obama will coordinate social justice initiatives and host foreign dignitaries. Bill will be in charge of White House interns.

And best of all, Americans can put their fears to rest and sleep through the night; when the real red phone rings at 3 a.m., Hillary will answer it in her camo jammies.

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