One President at a Time

November 10, 2008

By Steve Klinger.

We know the public version of Barack Obama’s meeting with George W. Bush at the White House earlier today, but what really happened when the door swung shut in the Oval Office? Only the two men were present, so we’ll never really know, will we?

Think again. Remember when Barney bit that reporter on the White House lawn the other day? Very few people know this but Barney was not only out of sorts about the prospect of being replaced by some hypoallergenic mutt, he was reacting to the placement of a tiny hi-tech microphone under his collar by Reuters’ Jon Decker. To put it bluntly, Barney was there when the president-elect and the sitting president sat down, and he was wearing a wire. Here’s the exclusive transcript:

Bush: You’re not gonna believe me, son, but I’m actually glad you beat that dickhead, McCain.

Obama: Pardon, sir?

Bush: I mean it. McCain’s been running away from me for the last six months. He wouldn’t even let me or Cheney go to the convention. If I had endorsed you, you’d have been thrilled, wouldn’t you?

Obama: Well, it would have been a surprise ….

Bush: I mean, nobody says no to the Decider. Ain’t that right, Barney?

Obama: I’d have had to make some changes to my stump speech, and the ad campaign, but that would have made things interesting…

Bush: You’ve got a great future, son. I mean that, but let me give you some advice. Don’t fill your administration up with experts and Ph.D.s. I’m sure you’ve got some good ol’ boys from Illinois who did you favors, maybe that Rezko guy, whoever. Pay ‘em back with good jobs and a future in the private sector, I mean cabinet positions, agency heads, ambassador, that kind of thing, and they’ll be loyal when anyone comes snoopin’ around.

Obama: Actually, most of my Chicago friends do have Ph.D.s.

Bush: You mean like that hippie terrorist, Ayers?

Obama: Now, Mr. President…

Bush: Well, I guess he’s gotta have some kind of job, doesn’t he? How about Homeland Security? He oughta know where to look for bombs, ha, ha, ha….

Obama: I think he’s a little more suited to Education, but believe me I wasn’t going to…

Bush: Naw, as Dad used to say, “wouldn’t be prudent,” now would it? Hey, speaking of prudent, let me show you this little gizmo here on the computer. Gets rid of e-mails in one shot, just like they never existed. No 17-minute gap, ha, ha, ha, if you know what I mean. Use it wisely.

Obama: I was hoping, Mr. President, that maybe we could agree on some joint strategy to help out all the people suffering from the economy and the financial crisis. Like maybe an economic stimulus package….

Bush: We did that already, remember? We popped for $700 billion to bail those folks out.

Obama: No, sir, not those folks. I meant Main Street, not Wall Street.

Bush: Hey, you voted for it. You didn’t think those bankers were gonna let go of those dollars once they got ‘em, did you? Ha, ha, ha….

Obama: Well, can I ask for your pledge that you’ll put a moratorium on executive orders on the environment?

Bush: Put a what? I’ve been called that once too often. Next thing you’ll say is somewhere in Texas a village is about to get its idiot back. You need to show a little respect. For the office, young feller.

Obama: Sorry, sir, I was just hoping we could avoid working at cross purposes.

Bush: Senator Obama, we can only have one president at a time. Are you talking about keeping the BLM from leasing that land for drilling in Utah? Hey, this is my legacy on the line here. How can we become energy independent if we don’t drill for our own oil and gas?

Obama: All right, Mr. President. But can we at least agree to extend jobless benefits so all those workers facing layoffs can feed their families?

Bush: They can feed their families. Wal-Mart’s always hiring.

Obama: All right, then. I suppose I should tell you I’m going to close Guantanamo and end the war in Iraq. I’m going to restore funding for stem-cell research….

Bush: I knew I forgot something. A nickname. I need a nickname for you. I have a nickname for everybody.

Obama: I don’t know…Messiah? Sounds too high falutin’. How about Mutt?

Bush: Naw, I like Rocky. Kinda rhymes, you know? Rocky Barack. I think I’ll call you Rocky. Hey, while I think of it, bring the Missus and girls down to Crawford and I’ll show you how to cut brush out on the ranch.

Obama: Thank you, sir, but I guess I’ll wait a couple of months. You’re right. We can only have one president at a time.

Bush: Don’t leave. Not yet. I’ve got your books right here. I want you to sign them for me.

Obama: Really? That’s kind of touching. OK, sure, I’ll autograph them, Mr. President.

Bush (opening door): Hey, Laura, we’ve got our first two books for the Library!