December 30, 2015
Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times
REPUBLICANS BLAME ‘AL JAZEERA’ GORE FOR DRUG EXPOSE
Members of the House Freedom Caucus were the latest to jump on the bandwagon condemning the new Al Jazeera documentary, which features an undercover report describing widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs in professional American sports. The report, which aired last weekend, caused a furor over allegations that iconic NFL quarterback Peyton Manning received numerous shipments of what may have been HGH (human growth hormone) in the name of his wife, Ashley Manning.
House Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan said it’s all Al Gore’s fault for selling his shares of the struggling Current Media network to Al Jazeera, which is owned by the Qatari Royal Family. “Peyton Manning is an American role model,” Jordan fumed, “and to link him with banned performance-enhancing substances is something only Democrats and Muslims would do. It’s all Al Jazeera Gore’s fault that we have Muslims broadcasting lies to 60 million Americans and trying to undermine American Exceptionalism in athletics!”
“The Dark Side—The Secret World of Doping” features a British-accented female reporter narrating the results of an undercover investigation with British hurdling athlete Liam Collins pretending to seek out performance-enhancing drugs. American pharmacist Charlie Sly, secretly recorded during some 20 hours of conversations with Collins, describes, among other things, how he helped provide illegal substances to athletes including MLB stars Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman and worked at a clinic where Manning went for treatment in 2011 after a serious neck injury. Attorneys and spokespersons for the baseball players, the clinic and Manning himself vociferously denied the allegations, and Sly made a statement to ESPN recanting his secretly recorded comments.
The furious Jordan said of Sly, “If he says he didn’t say what he said, why does anybody believe he said those terrible things? The next thing we know those Muslims will be going after an All-American hero like Tom Brady.”
U.S. TRAFFICKERS BUSTED TAKING POT INTO MEXICO
A carload of Californians was apprehended Wednesday at a border crossing near Tijuana, and Mexican officials said the group was trying to bring high-grade marijuana from the U.S. into Mexico.
“That’s how things have changed,” said Sgt. Felipe Gonzales Rincon, displaying some of the 39 kilos of pot found hidden in door panels and upholstery of a late-model van by drug-sniffing Chihuahuas. “This marijuana is better than anything I’ve seen on the Mexican side. And there’s quite a bit of demand for it.”
Charlie Henderson, 34, from Santa Rosa, Calif., who described himself as the leader of the group arrested, said that with 22 states now selling medical marijuana and four selling recreational marijuana, there’s more money to be made taking some of the best pot south to Mexico, where the quality has been notoriously low. “The drug lords themselves will pay really good money for this shit,” he told a reporter for a Mexican television station, “that is, if they don’t shoot you first and steal it.”
“It’s none of my business,” he added, “but I think it’s about time they made marijuana legal in Mexico.”
BARBARA: BUSHES SECRET OWNERS OF LAS VEGAS REVIEW JOURNAL
Barbara Bush admitted Tuesday it was her family that bought the Las Vegas Review Journal. Staffers and media analysts alike had been mystified by the opaque transaction earlier in December in which News + Media Capital Group LLC —an unheralded Delaware-based company backed by “undisclosed financial backers with expertise in the media industry” — paid $140 million for the Review-Journal along with its sister publications. Bush debunked coverage in the media that attributed the purchase to conservative billionaire Sheldon Adelson, saying that was just a cover story to protect the Bush family.
After political reporters continued nosing around, wondering whether the mysteries surrounding the sale had anything to do with the upcoming Nevada primary election, Bush made a brief statement to a swarm of media on her front lawn in Houston, before wiping away tears and going back inside.
“OK, if you must know, it was us, me and 41,” she said, trying to keep her composure. “We did it for Jeb, you know. He still hasn’t forgiven me for blurting out that I wished he wouldn’t run.”
“You simply can’t imagine how polling around 5 percent can erode a person’s self-esteem—especially if you’re a Bush and your dumber brother was elected twice,” she continued. “We just thought if we promised a few raises to the editorial board they would endorse Jeb and give him a chance. I know he can be awkward and prickly and sometimes seem out of touch, but he has so much to offer this country. He’s our son too, and you just want to give a son a chance to be successful.”