Breaking News from Garlic Press

January 31, 2017

Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times

 

TRUMP TO NOMINATE DUKE TO SUPREME COURT

 

President Donald Trump will nominate white supremacist David Duke to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by the death of Antonin Scalia last year, Garlic Presss has learned. Duke, 66, is an American white nationalist, politician, antisemitic conspiracy theorist, Holocaust denier, and former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

A member of Trump’s inner circle, who leaked the news anonymously because Trump has not yet made the announcement public, said it was a difficult nomination process. “We wanted someone more conservative than Scalia, but to find that you had to look for someone in a hood.”

 

Duke is expected to win nomination easily, with enthusiastic Republican support and the usual fragmented Democratic opposition that will likely fall short of the filibuster threshold of 41 votes. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell didn’t want to be quoted directly but said Duke is a golf and gaming buddy and he would enthusiastically support his longtime friend. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer shrugged when asked about the expected nomination by a reporter late last evening. “If he’s OK with Wall Street, then he’s fine with us,” he said.

 

A former Republican Louisiana State Representative (one term), Duke ran in the Democratic presidential primaries in 1988 and the Republican presidential primaries in 1992. Then he ran losing campaigns for the Louisiana State Senate, United States Senate, United States House of Representatives, and Governor of Louisiana. According to Garlic Press’s source, what got Trump on board was that in 2002, Duke entered a guilty plea to defrauding supporters by erroneously claiming to be impoverished and at risk of losing his home in order to solicit emergency donations. In reality, Duke was financially secure and used the donations for recreational gambling.

 

He speaks frequently against what he describes as Jewish control of the Federal Reserve Bank, the U.S. federal government and the media and supports Christian family values, voluntary segregation and abolishing the Internal Revenue Service, as well as the states of New York and California.

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