Breaking News From Garlic Press

December 2, 2017

Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times

 

BEARS EARS SHRINKS TRUMP

 

Presidential aides and onlookers were astounded Monday when a strange thing happened on President Trump’s visit to Utah to announce he will shrink Bears Ears National Monument, as he has been threatening to do since April.

Just as he was trying on Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke’s Stetson, suddenly and inexplicably the president’s head and stature began to diminish inside his suit and the hat went flying, causing him to resemble Mike Flynn with a huge orange wig. As First Lady Melania Trump shrieked in terror, “He’s already too small!” Trump became shorter than Bob Corker, smaller than Little Rocket Man Kim Jung Un and only stopped shrinking at about the stature of Danny DeVito.

Scientists present at the event were baffled, but tribal leaders who had come to protest the announcement left with smiles on their faces. Said one, with a nod toward the monument, “Little Donald Trump. He came to shrink Bears Ears, but Bears Ears shrank Trump.”

 


 

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