Breaking News from Garlic Press

July 20, 2016

fresh-garlic-pressed-7111121Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times




CLEVELAND—According to reliable sources, Melania Trump has expressed remorse after learning that journalists and academics called her speech on the opening night of the Republican Convention plagiarism. Although the Slovenian-born wife of nominee Donald Trump did not write much of the text herself, she reportedly received an elaborate thank-you from Michelle Obama, whose 2008 speech she quoted word-for-word in some passages.


“Profound thanks to #MelaniaTrump for validating my humble thoughts,” Obama tweeted, along with a winking selfie on Tuesday.


Reliable sources say Mrs. Trump has insisted on obtaining time for a chance to speak again at the closing ceremony of the convention, and the same sources have provided Garlic Press with an advance draft of her comments:

tough melania

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my husband Donald will lead us to a promised land where foreigners cannot scale the border wall Mexico will pay for.

I have a dream that Donald will protect us from invading Muslims and other would-be terrorists who threaten our American Dream.

And finally, I have a dream that you will ask not what your country can do for you but rather what you can do for your country. Build that wall!

Good night, and Make America Great and White Again.







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