Breaking News From Garlic Press

January 23, 2017

 

Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times

 

 

 

SPICER DOUBLES DOWN; TRUMP ACCUSES BO OF INFLATION

 

After White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer angrily accused the mainstream media of manipulating photographs to underestimate the crowds at Donald Trump’s inauguration and Senior Adviser Kellyanne Conway said he was just offering “alternative facts,” Spicer doubled down on a Monday morning talk show, claiming he had evidence to prove Trump’s turnout was larger than Barack Obama’s back in 2008.

“Obama’s crowd was mostly black people,” Spicer declared. “Since everyone knows blacks are only three-fifths of a person, that means the media were immediately over estimating the numbers. At best, only a little over 60 percent of the people they say were there were actually there. All of Trump’s crowd was white, so they all count 100 percent.”

Meanwhile, the 45th president was outraged by a report on BuzzFeed about another measurement technique which studied profiles of Trump and Obama during the inauguration by examining bulges in their clothing. Anatomy analysts concluded from high-resolution inauguration photographs that Trump’s penis underneath his trousers is only one-third as large as Obama’s.

Trump took to Twitter and said, “#Obama’sbigpenis more fake news! CIA says he was wearing inflationary device. So sad.”

 

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