On the Political Trail

February 6, 2016

fresh-garlic-pressed-7111121Spicy Satire for Traumatic Times

 

BUSH PULLED BACK FROM ROOF LEDGE AFTER UNWANTED ENDORSEMENT

 

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush had to be pulled back from the roof ledge of the tallest building in New Hampshire as he was shouting, “Not Pharma Bro,” and threatening to jump after learning of his lone new endorsement of the weekend Saturday.

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In a Twitter post, Martin Shkreli, described by many as the most hated man in America, wrote: “@JebBush i’m an avid supporter.” The smirking former pharmacy executive, under indictment for an alleged securities fraud, enraged millions when, as chief executive of Turing Pharmaceuticals, he raised the price of a rare live-saving medication by 5,000 percent last year without a shred of contrition. After taking the Fifth Amendment before a Congressional committee last week, the man known as Pharma Bro tweeted that those who interrogated him are “imbeciles.”

 

After Bush was pulled back from the edge of City Hall Plaza by his mother, Barbara, and Manchester, N.H. police, he tried to explain his anguish to reporters. “It’s bad enough I’m polling in single digits despite a war chest of $50 million,” he said, fighting off tears. “If I had to pick the last man on earth to endorse me, assuming Hitler is still dead, it would be Martin Shkreli.”

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Bush said he would still appear in Saturday night’s Republican debate, but hinted his presidential bid could be nearing its end if his support doesn’t improve soon. “If I don’t do better in New Hampshire,” he sighed, “I might have to support Marco the Bubble Boy.”

 

“If there’s a lord in heaven,” Barbara Bush said a short time later, “please don’t let him get any more endorsements like Shkreli’s. With that perpetual smirk on his face, he must have been thinking of George instead of Jeb.”

 

Mrs. Bush waved off further questions, telling reporters, “Instead of kicking a good man while he’s down, why don’t you do a little digging and find out who put Shkreli up to this? I’ll bet Chris Christie knows something about it.”

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